Why I hurt myself

God has taken me back...to a long time ago, that I wish I had forgotten about. A place where the pain was too much for me to bear, too much for me to hold in, and too much for me to even talk about. So, I hurt myself. I wasn't a cutter, so I thought it didn't matter. I would get so upset at myself and the pain others were causing me, that I was causing me, that the world's problems were causing me that I had to let it out. I didn't know there was any other way. So, I punched at the steel-backed wall, I pounded on the carpet covered concrete, I pulled at my hair till I let every last ounce of it was out of me, so I could be free again. Only....it didn't make me free, it only made me feel like something was wrong with me, I must not be of sound mind, how could I do that, why couldn't I control it....shame. Then, the pain I felt that I had inflicted on myself was a reminder that I hadn't handled the pain inside the right way, the proper way, the good way......guilt.
I remember the first time it happened to me. It might not have been the first time I did it, but it's the first time I remember. I was in the car with my Mom, and I might have been 13. I was listening to a program talk about children in Africa, their lives were hard, they had no food, things were bad. I thought to myself, this is awful! This is terrible! But, I can't do anything about it. The emotion became so fierce I had to let it out and I started screaming and punching the dashboard in front of me and pulling at my hair. My poor Mom did not know what to do for me. She tried consoling me while she was driving. We never spoke about it again. I made sure to try not to do it in front of anyone again. I would hide it, so no one would get hurt...except myself.
I didn't think it was self harm. Some of my friends talked about girls cutting or carving into their skin with razors, but I didn't like that. It scared me. I thought I was just angry, it was just anger. I didn't have a problem, well, maybe an angry problem. I only cut into my skin using an earring, but it was something I liked, it was for part of the club, it wasn't hurting anyone....except myself.
My pain grew worse when my dog died. I only had him a short while. I got him the Christmas after I turned 13 and I had him until the summer of the next year. Only 6 months. He was still just a puppy. I thought it was all my fault he died. I wasn't there to save him. I was miles away, on a summer vacation. I told myself, "I never should have left him, I never should have gone, I should have known better, how could I have been so stupid. You fool!!!" I let him down, and I grieve this now, but back then I didn't know the lies I told myself. I just punched, and screamed, and pulled and scratched until I didn't hurt anymore. I never forgave myself, and even nearly 30 years later I'm telling myself I need to forgive that little girl, little 13 year old me. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I forgive you. You gave him all the love he ever needed. You didn't let him down. You never let him down. I wish I knew that then.
At 15, my Dad's accident happened that nearly costed his life. He survived and still lives to this day! But, I was out having fun with friends when my mom heard the news. "I should have been there, I shouldn't have been having fun while my Dad was fighting for his life. I should have known something was wrong. What's wrong with me!!!!" The self harm became more frequent, and suicide attempts happened due to me taking a wrong path. I had to numb. I couldn't take the disappointment.
A few years later, things got a little better. I found my way back to God, and understood grace. He didn't look at all my shame, and filth, and brokenness. He only saw my beauty. I ran back into His arms and desperately needed Him. I came to some healing, and started to forgive people and myself. It was only the beginning of my healing, and a part of it stayed locked up...until now.
Jesus finally opened the lock when I felt safe enough to look at this part of my life. The shell of shame I held together worried someone would see it, has shattered and fallen into a million broken pieces and he is placing them back together, one by one and making something beautiful.
I'm still on this journey of healing, and I have a ways to go. My story continued, my self harm continued. But, I believe it's gone now. My heart is absorbing the brokenness and bringing new life, new blood, new hope into a new me, well, a me made new.



Do you have someone in your life who self harms? Here are some resources for you to understand what they are going through:
Why do people self harm?cookieOptions = {...};
My teen self harms, what should I do?cookieOptions = {...};
I'm a teacher, what if my student self harms (especially notice 6, 7, 8)cookieOptions = {...};

I'm self harming, how do I get help?cookieOptions = {...};


If you are struggling with self harm, talk to someone, you don't deserve to be hurt. Reach out to someone you trust to talk through your feelings, or see a counselor to work through the emotions you are feeling. You don't need to do this alone.

Gifts

Lately I have been talking with a group of ladies to discover our natural and spiritual gifts. It's been eye opening to me that the most monumental moment of my walk with God is the thread that ties my natural and spiritual gifts together. I started thinking about why God even gives us natural gifts if they are not our spiritual gifts used for the Kingdom, and yet are they not? They seem to overlap. For example, my husband has the gift of playing guitar, it was evident in his life long before he became a believer. But when he plays now (and has at our church for our entire relationship and before) he brings glory to God, and his talent, his gift is seen. But, is this his spritual gift? No, I don't believe so, and neither does he. His gift is in knowledge (he knows the Word of God inside and out and upside), teaching (he loves to talk about it, and the history related to it) and giving (when he sees a need and has the ability to meet that need he doesn't hesitate to give). So, why then would it be something woven into our existence. Could it be that because He loves us so much and knows us so well that He is doing it because we would love it?! How much are we the same as parents when a gift we have given shows pure delight in the eyes of our children when they enjoy it. Could it be that He just loves to see us delight in something He gives? Something to think about, and another way that my God wows me once again.

Living by myself

The hardest part about living with a man who has Aspergers is that everything he is feeling he thinks you are feeling too. It's not that they think you are experiencing the anxiety they are, they just think it will be fine if you let it go. All the accusations, all the blame, all the fears and problems, all gone after a good nights sleep. But, I am a neurotypical, and sometimes that is not the best thing in our world. I don't just let things go and forget all about it...darn that somewhat connected brain. I wish I could just sleep everything away, and be able to handle my day and make better decisions the next day, but I want it resolved, not remembered. I feel like I am living alone, or living a life that will never cause a wave of fear, but that is impossible, because I don't put fear there. I know it's not entirely the disorder, it's many things. A new change is coming, I will be out of town; I am planning things that could cause a fall; but I am also embarking on a new mission to get some time with God, and that's where the enemy comes in. He knows our weaknesses and where to attack, and he uses the marriage when all else fails because it hurts the most. The sad thing is, I can't reach my husband when it happens, as much as I try, and then I get angry for my failed efforts and his ignorance. I talk to him, but I am really talking to the enemy. Get away from my husband. I think it would be best offered up in a prayer: "God, my husband is only holding on to fear right now, and he's in the grip of an anxious hand, please prey it opened with your loving strength, and sooth his soul and calm his mind, cover him with Your blood, the blood that covers all fears, all pain, all sadness, all anxiousness. Give him a protection from the enemy and shield him from the arrows of the evil one. God give him a fresh spirit fill him a new, and fill me a new as well. I ask these things in Jesus name".

I know I am not living by myself, even though it feels like it sometimes, I always have my God, and He has me.

No news is NOT good news

We have spent most of this summer driving to and from Seattle, and all for what?! No answers! I am so upset, and wondering why did we even try to fight this battle, or question anything when we are not any closer to receiving answers to help our son that we were before. No diagnosis. At least not yet. I sit in the neurologists office and he says based on what he sees (my son playing with the brother he's known all his life, his only unchanging thing) and doesn't see autism, but when he talks with me he thinks, maybe, and when he looks at the pattern of his development he says, yes. But all together he says, I don't know yet. So, we wait, yet again for a teacher to decide what he/she things. So frustrating! I am so tired, and so tired of people looking at me like there is nothing wrong and I have just made it up in my head. Then, we leave Seattle for the 4th time this month, and he has a meltdown, running in traffic, over a bee he THINKS he saw. No, there's nothing wrong at all. Come on! We proceed to go to his favorite food place (a phoo noodle one) and he freaks out because he found an onion!! One that fell out of his meatball, the ones he loves to eat, and all of the sudden his food in uneatable if there is such a word. Sure, he's completely acting like a 6 year old. What?!!? Don't even let me start into the fact that he had a full on meltdown at Fred Meyer for almost 10 minutes (we were getting meat cut, and very hungry so we waited) over being put in time out because of overreacting that there was nothing he could eat because it had wheat in it, then scraped his ankle which amplified his mouth and his tantrum. But, no worries, nothing to see here, it's just bad behavior, it's choices. All those things I am so tired of hearing, and I am just so tired that I don't even know if I have the fight in me to continue on this journey. Jesus is literally going to have to drag me the rest of the way. I don't give up on my son, no never, but people, I am giving up on you! Help me God to wait a little longer so that my son will have all he needs. Help me God. Help.

Little man's journey

On the eve of our little guy's diagnosis results I hold my breath. Was it worth it to come this far? Do I want to "label" my child or put him in a box? Will others look at us or him differently? I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want him to feel alone in his struggles, I don't want everyone to look at him as that "unbehaved child". I will educate them. People need to know that children are not in a box. They come in unique and beautiful colored packages, all sizes, and all different openings of the bow. I want to know how to open the bow, I want to see all that he is made up of. I want to see the gift he is, past the "label" and reach out to hold his hand on this journey ahead of us. It doesn't matter to me as much as what "it" is, it only matters to me how to help him.
I keep stealing a stare at him, just smiling to myself that he is such a wonderful little guy, and I wouldn't want him any different. Maybe that is my fear, that others will think that I see him differently. Honestly in this whole process I have. I have seen him differently, because I am starting to see him as he really is. He is full of life, he sees others that I don't see, he lights up a room and brings many to smiles. That is my boy, that is the boy God made. I see the struggles that he has as a blessing for who he is, he wouldn't be that way without them.
It's hard for me when everyone, the schools, the caretakers, the family friends, and even family won't accept that he is different, they only see what he does, and not what he needs. The put up a wall, and forget that there is a little boy behind it, just ready to climb it, if we let him.
I want to let him be himself, and the more I educate myself and others about the struggles that he does face, the more I can let go, and focus my approach to who he is...so he can grow.
It's been a long wait. He was only 5 months when I could see he would have a tough go of this world, but he's done so much more than had a tough go of it, he's left an impression on those who have known him, and he's only 6.
I am blessed and I am thankful and I am scared out of my mind, but I believe that God has led us to this place, and placed him in my care, and that role I take VERY seriously, and hold very dear.
So, here we go....on another part of our journey, his journey.

God's Mothering Heart

I have to admit, on one hand I really love Mother's Day, on the other hand I feel this immense pressure to do well by my kids. You see all these wonderful mother's on tv doing the perfect thing, having the perfect family, and the most well behaved kids, and I think, well I have certainly failed! Isn't that just what the enemy wants us to believe. Of course we aren't perfect, of course we mess up, but we aren't failures even if we have failed. We are good mothers. This week my boys came to me with eyes of excitement and anticipation. "Open it, open it!", they exclaimed, as they handed me their school-crafted mother's day gifts. I melt, even before I have opened it. I feel like the most important person of that day. I am showered with love, and the gifts are beautiful, but the creators even more so.
It made me think, this is what God wants for us. He wants us to see that He sees us as very important, and He wants us to be showered by His love, His gifts. They are all around us! He keeps saying, Open it! Are we too busy worried about what we are doing wrong that we miss the joy in opening what He has to offer us? Are we looking at ourselves and just seeing a big mess? A failure? Well, we all make mistakes, but we were beautifully hand crafted by the maker who has made His image in us. He is reflected in what we see around us, but also IN us. So, don't wait until you have everything perfectly put together before you receive the best gift there is. Open it!

The Rainbow...how I want my life to be

I was struck by an article I was reading by a local university describing the science behind a rainbow. Of course, this subject has my highest interest, so even though scientific articles are not often my greatest reading past times this one caught my eye. Part of the article reads: "When light goes through water droplets it is redirected at every surface. First it is bent at an angle, or "refracted" as it enters the front surface. Then it is reflected off the back surface of the droplet, by an effect known as internal reflection. It is refracted once more as it exits through the front surface towards the observer. The different colors each go through this process at slightly different angles so that the combination of angles creates a spectrum of colors. The overall effect is that the incoming light is reflected back and spread out over angles of 40^o to 42^o (less for saltwater) from the center of the anti-solar point." http://www.wwu.edu/skywise/a101_rainbows.html
So many amazing things that God teaches us through His creation, and once again, I am amazed. The use of light going through water shows a saturation, like us, when we are saturated in Christ, His light shines in us. It goes on to say that it is bent, sounds like bended knee to me, then it is refracted (entering in). Now, because of the saturation, so in our case spending time with God (in any way that fits your relationship with Him, we are all created differently and seek Him and hear Him differently) it emits out the color (showing Christ in our lives). I love the part of the different colors, it goes through all different processes. Isn't that the way with us!? Every situation that we go through is different, and it reflects or resonates in our hearts in different ways. Sometimes the way we expect Him to speak to us is not how we He speaks. But, if we hold on, we wait, and we saturate, His love will show through us, and others will see our rainbow, His colors.