The big move

Recently, I have been having dreams about moving. I am in a stranger's house, with my family. The owner isn't home, and I start to unpack my stuff. The house is for sale, and I want to give it a try it out before I move in. The only thing, is I didn't ask the owners, and my parents decide to join us. Needless to say, they weren't happy when they returned to find us practically moved in. The funny part is (in real life this would NOT have been funny) it happened 3 times before we evacuated. I left deflated. I knew I really wanted that house, but it just wasn't mine, and I was sure they wouldn't let us buy it then. Strange right?!? The next night, I was packing all sorts of things into my car, and trying to add a kitten in, and was quite concerned with where I would put the litter box. This one wasn't as confusing to me. I really want a cat, but in my already crowded life, it just doesn't fit. My husband and I have even talked about where the litter box should go, and we aren't sure. So, in my curiousity, I decided to google what my dreams meant. It ranged from needing change, to something in my life changing right now. I know that I am in a cycle of my life that isn't the best situation, but I haven't been battling it. I know I do want change, for my husband's business to take off, for us to have another baby, or for us to be foster respite parents, for me to have to opportunity to be more involved in women's ministry, for me to be able to visit my boys in their classrooms and volunteer. But, the real question I think I need to be asking is where is my hearts next big move...where is God calling me to be right now. It's not what I should do, its where I fit in, it's where He will chose to shine my glory. It's not my move, its His.

I do...all over again

I recently celebrated my 10 year anniversary by renewing my vows with my husband. It was a wonderful celebration, and it really meant a great deal for us. This in not only a milestone, this is the first time I have truely understood my vows, and been excited to share them with my husband in our "new found" love. Our marriage hasn't been easy...it's like any other marriage. You have your ups and downs, your power struggles, and your good years and not so good years. The last 3 years have been amazing...far beyond what we had ever imagined. You see, God got a hold of our hearts...He took a genuine interest in healing our wounds. He was waiting to free us, to heal us...to bring us closer together. It started by taking my husbands job away, then giving me a full time job to take care of most of the bills. This was a hard change for both of us...but God has provided. It gave us both a chance to reflect and look back at some of the hard times we've had in our lives...our heart wounds. We expressed this in our vows. Family life was difficult for my husband growing up and his Dad was never there for him. God waited for my husbands heart, and he gave it 20 years ago. God also became his Dad in these last few years. He showed him He is proud of him, He is there for him, He hears him. This has given tremendous healing for my husband, and he continues to grow in his heart and grow in love. I have received the benefits from this love. He stands up for me, he sees my beauty, he cares for my pain. He is learning he has what it takes. Working, when I wanted to be home with my kids, was a difficult transition. Here also, God had a plan. He brought me to a place where I remembered my heart wounds, the accident of my father, and the pain of struggling through school without his support and dealing with my dyslexia alone. God met me there. I realized I had believed all along, that I was alone in that time in my life...but God was right there waiting for me to reach out. I finally did, I finally trusted Him, and my husband benefited from this as well. I didn't expect so much from him...I was fully satified by my God. Every way that my husband had loved before I had missed...now I see it, and he sees how I love him...and we love each other all the more.

So, these vows we told in front of our family and friends meant much more than words. I married my man all over again, and I truely know that in my lover I have found my friend. I would do it all over again.

Two pockets full of peas

Well, gardening season is coming to an end, and I am still hoping for an indian summer. But, some of my plants just won't survive this early Fall. My tomatoes are still small and green with only a few turning orange, and only one of my corn stalks will produce corn...it seems. All in all, I should have planted earlier, but other "life" got in the way. Today I pulled out my peas as I noticed all the new flowers keep shrivelling up after they bloom. A sad thing to say the least, but I pick what's left and reach for the shears to take them down. As I am pulling I notice more and more peas that were waiting to be picked. Just sitting plump and ready to be eaten. Waiting to be chosen. There! All done. I proceed to pile them into a pile, along with all the string that held them to the sun.....and more peas. By this time I knew God was just showing off. Okay, God, I get it...You provide. Even when we feel like it's not going to happen, that God isn't going to come through, He has it all planned out. It's not over, and even amidst something that seems to have no life, He brings fruit...or vegetables...our way. At the end of my duty I had filled my two pockets so full of peas I couldn't bend over any more without crushing them. I walked bulledded into my home with thanks on my heart and a smile on my face.

So, when you feel that all is spent, and there's nothing left to find; check your pockets full of peas and enjoy all His surprises.

This little light?

As I watched the opening ceremonies of the olymics I found myself in awe of the flame, as were over hundreds of thousands in the stands in London and millions glued to their tv sets. Where and how will this flame ignite the others. One by one, each held the flame...the next generation...the great ones to come. Their flames grew from one to several, and kept spreading on to the one great flame and united them all. It was glorious. I couldn't help but think how we all have a light. I remember the song, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine", and even as I just watched my mother perform singing this amazing little song, she was so much brighter than the light she sang about. Her light, was far from little. She was glowing. We have so much to offer in our hearts. God gave us His light, if we chose Him, and are we shining. Are we spreading His light by being who He has seen is amazing in us? Just like the petals slowing emerged into the sky for the whole world to see, if we put our "little" lights together, and share the light, they will toss their embers to another, and another, and soon the whole world will see...what God already does.

Taking out the trash

I don't know about you, but I don't really like taking out the trash. It's smelly, and when the sun is out that garbage can is swarming with flies, and carries a foul odor. I was just having a talk with some friends about how we keep garbage in our lives. We make mistakes, we are human afterall, and it's hard sometimes to own up to them. But, what if we were to keep hiding the garbage in our homes, instead of getting rid of it. It would be pretty ugly, and there would be no place where we could go without having to deal with the smell. It would become  unliveable. It's the same in our lives, and in our hearts. If we are hiding the garbage of our hearts, our mistakes, then other areas of our life will start to "smell". There won't be any getting away from it. It would follow us everywhere we go. As we clean out the garbage in our lives, and own up to it, we will realize that without it, our lives are sweeter. God's sweet aroma will linger longer, and it will be a great place to be. If we walk around "stinky" we are only creating a smell around others...and they might start to stink too. If we walk around with God's aroma filling the air around us, not only will they smell the sweetness, they will see Him, and want the same fragrance lingering around them. So, what are you waiting for...take out the trash, and set out the bouquet on the table.

A Different Perspective

On a recent family vacation, we were travelling along the Oregon coast, and I had a few moments to myself to ponder as my youngest lay asleep at my lap. I looked out the window from our bus and watched as the trees rushed past me. A warm familiar comfort came back to me as I pondered my love of trees. To me, they are like the voice of God. "I am here, I am strong, , I will protect you, I will shelter you from the storm, light comes through me, and you will not be left in darkness. I am the color of life, I am beauty." I was reminded of possibly why I had such a fondness for trees. My Dad used to go for walks with me, and he loved trees as well. On one particular occasion we lay on the grass looking at the trees from the ground up, and he decided to share a life lesson that never left me. He explained that life can depend on our perspective, we might see it for one thing, while another sees it for something entirely different. When we looked at those trees that warm afternoon I saw life in a different way. Those trees fanned out wide, over me, and I could see how the wind made them dance. Every walk since I take a few moments to stand under one and look up and see it's splendor...God's splendor. When we look at life straight on, we only see one side, we don't see the full picture, the true story.

If we take the time to look from another angle, or keep our eyes looking up, we might be surprised what we find. We might find comfort in what we find. We might find... there's more than only what we see.

The Interuptions

I have always been intrigued by the saying, "Life is what happens in the interuptions when you are waiting for life." I might have that wrong, but the thought is, that whatever you are hoping life to be, is really not what life is...life is the interuptions. I am in a season of life that I just have not wanted to be in. I expected that I would be a stay at home mom, possibly with a baby on the way, and with my husband in a full time job, but that is not our life. Life is good though! Only good because of all the amazing things God gives me everyday. I am not trying to sugarcoat how hard it is to accept what is right now, but it's the truth. God is in today. If my focus becomes what I expect of tomorrow then I only long for my "what if" or "if only". I am finding myself in the inbetween wondering what do I really long for, what are my true desires. Do I dare desire them? Am I focused on the right thing? Or is there even a right or wrong about my focus? My husband and I had a great conversation with friends tonight about that very thing. Is what we desire or want merely whisked away because it is a "right or wrong" desire...or do those desires never come to be because they are "right or wrong"? It's a good question to ask. As put my our friend, if our desires are not right or wrong what do we do with them. I hardly say that answer is simple. I know, without any doubt that it is okay and even designed in us to want. If we didn't have any desire, then what would woe us to our maker. Is the ache within us just a symptom of what God is longing to fill? I think yes. What we do with our desire is meant to lead us to a deeper passion for Him, and after we are filled I am still sure there are things we will want, but the desire to have those "things" will not be as great.

 So, do I give up on my longings? No...I give all...my feelings, my wants, my desires, my pain, my hurt, my frustrations, and my heart's cry up to my God. Then even when the question of "if" or "how" isn't answered, at least my question of desire will be.