Why I hurt myself

God has taken me back...to a long time ago, that I wish I had forgotten about. A place where the pain was too much for me to bear, too much for me to hold in, and too much for me to even talk about. So, I hurt myself. I wasn't a cutter, so I thought it didn't matter. I would get so upset at myself and the pain others were causing me, that I was causing me, that the world's problems were causing me that I had to let it out. I didn't know there was any other way. So, I punched at the steel-backed wall, I pounded on the carpet covered concrete, I pulled at my hair till I let every last ounce of it was out of me, so I could be free again. Only....it didn't make me free, it only made me feel like something was wrong with me, I must not be of sound mind, how could I do that, why couldn't I control it....shame. Then, the pain I felt that I had inflicted on myself was a reminder that I hadn't handled the pain inside the right way, the proper way, the good way......guilt.
I remember the first time it happened to me. It might not have been the first time I did it, but it's the first time I remember. I was in the car with my Mom, and I might have been 13. I was listening to a program talk about children in Africa, their lives were hard, they had no food, things were bad. I thought to myself, this is awful! This is terrible! But, I can't do anything about it. The emotion became so fierce I had to let it out and I started screaming and punching the dashboard in front of me and pulling at my hair. My poor Mom did not know what to do for me. She tried consoling me while she was driving. We never spoke about it again. I made sure to try not to do it in front of anyone again. I would hide it, so no one would get hurt...except myself.
I didn't think it was self harm. Some of my friends talked about girls cutting or carving into their skin with razors, but I didn't like that. It scared me. I thought I was just angry, it was just anger. I didn't have a problem, well, maybe an angry problem. I only cut into my skin using an earring, but it was something I liked, it was for part of the club, it wasn't hurting anyone....except myself.
My pain grew worse when my dog died. I only had him a short while. I got him the Christmas after I turned 13 and I had him until the summer of the next year. Only 6 months. He was still just a puppy. I thought it was all my fault he died. I wasn't there to save him. I was miles away, on a summer vacation. I told myself, "I never should have left him, I never should have gone, I should have known better, how could I have been so stupid. You fool!!!" I let him down, and I grieve this now, but back then I didn't know the lies I told myself. I just punched, and screamed, and pulled and scratched until I didn't hurt anymore. I never forgave myself, and even nearly 30 years later I'm telling myself I need to forgive that little girl, little 13 year old me. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I forgive you. You gave him all the love he ever needed. You didn't let him down. You never let him down. I wish I knew that then.
At 15, my Dad's accident happened that nearly costed his life. He survived and still lives to this day! But, I was out having fun with friends when my mom heard the news. "I should have been there, I shouldn't have been having fun while my Dad was fighting for his life. I should have known something was wrong. What's wrong with me!!!!" The self harm became more frequent, and suicide attempts happened due to me taking a wrong path. I had to numb. I couldn't take the disappointment.
A few years later, things got a little better. I found my way back to God, and understood grace. He didn't look at all my shame, and filth, and brokenness. He only saw my beauty. I ran back into His arms and desperately needed Him. I came to some healing, and started to forgive people and myself. It was only the beginning of my healing, and a part of it stayed locked up...until now.
Jesus finally opened the lock when I felt safe enough to look at this part of my life. The shell of shame I held together worried someone would see it, has shattered and fallen into a million broken pieces and he is placing them back together, one by one and making something beautiful.
I'm still on this journey of healing, and I have a ways to go. My story continued, my self harm continued. But, I believe it's gone now. My heart is absorbing the brokenness and bringing new life, new blood, new hope into a new me, well, a me made new.



Do you have someone in your life who self harms? Here are some resources for you to understand what they are going through:
Why do people self harm?cookieOptions = {...};
My teen self harms, what should I do?cookieOptions = {...};
I'm a teacher, what if my student self harms (especially notice 6, 7, 8)cookieOptions = {...};

I'm self harming, how do I get help?cookieOptions = {...};


If you are struggling with self harm, talk to someone, you don't deserve to be hurt. Reach out to someone you trust to talk through your feelings, or see a counselor to work through the emotions you are feeling. You don't need to do this alone.