No news is NOT good news

We have spent most of this summer driving to and from Seattle, and all for what?! No answers! I am so upset, and wondering why did we even try to fight this battle, or question anything when we are not any closer to receiving answers to help our son that we were before. No diagnosis. At least not yet. I sit in the neurologists office and he says based on what he sees (my son playing with the brother he's known all his life, his only unchanging thing) and doesn't see autism, but when he talks with me he thinks, maybe, and when he looks at the pattern of his development he says, yes. But all together he says, I don't know yet. So, we wait, yet again for a teacher to decide what he/she things. So frustrating! I am so tired, and so tired of people looking at me like there is nothing wrong and I have just made it up in my head. Then, we leave Seattle for the 4th time this month, and he has a meltdown, running in traffic, over a bee he THINKS he saw. No, there's nothing wrong at all. Come on! We proceed to go to his favorite food place (a phoo noodle one) and he freaks out because he found an onion!! One that fell out of his meatball, the ones he loves to eat, and all of the sudden his food in uneatable if there is such a word. Sure, he's completely acting like a 6 year old. What?!!? Don't even let me start into the fact that he had a full on meltdown at Fred Meyer for almost 10 minutes (we were getting meat cut, and very hungry so we waited) over being put in time out because of overreacting that there was nothing he could eat because it had wheat in it, then scraped his ankle which amplified his mouth and his tantrum. But, no worries, nothing to see here, it's just bad behavior, it's choices. All those things I am so tired of hearing, and I am just so tired that I don't even know if I have the fight in me to continue on this journey. Jesus is literally going to have to drag me the rest of the way. I don't give up on my son, no never, but people, I am giving up on you! Help me God to wait a little longer so that my son will have all he needs. Help me God. Help.

Little man's journey

On the eve of our little guy's diagnosis results I hold my breath. Was it worth it to come this far? Do I want to "label" my child or put him in a box? Will others look at us or him differently? I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want him to feel alone in his struggles, I don't want everyone to look at him as that "unbehaved child". I will educate them. People need to know that children are not in a box. They come in unique and beautiful colored packages, all sizes, and all different openings of the bow. I want to know how to open the bow, I want to see all that he is made up of. I want to see the gift he is, past the "label" and reach out to hold his hand on this journey ahead of us. It doesn't matter to me as much as what "it" is, it only matters to me how to help him.
I keep stealing a stare at him, just smiling to myself that he is such a wonderful little guy, and I wouldn't want him any different. Maybe that is my fear, that others will think that I see him differently. Honestly in this whole process I have. I have seen him differently, because I am starting to see him as he really is. He is full of life, he sees others that I don't see, he lights up a room and brings many to smiles. That is my boy, that is the boy God made. I see the struggles that he has as a blessing for who he is, he wouldn't be that way without them.
It's hard for me when everyone, the schools, the caretakers, the family friends, and even family won't accept that he is different, they only see what he does, and not what he needs. The put up a wall, and forget that there is a little boy behind it, just ready to climb it, if we let him.
I want to let him be himself, and the more I educate myself and others about the struggles that he does face, the more I can let go, and focus my approach to who he is...so he can grow.
It's been a long wait. He was only 5 months when I could see he would have a tough go of this world, but he's done so much more than had a tough go of it, he's left an impression on those who have known him, and he's only 6.
I am blessed and I am thankful and I am scared out of my mind, but I believe that God has led us to this place, and placed him in my care, and that role I take VERY seriously, and hold very dear.
So, here we go....on another part of our journey, his journey.