Living by myself

The hardest part about living with a man who has Aspergers is that everything he is feeling he thinks you are feeling too. It's not that they think you are experiencing the anxiety they are, they just think it will be fine if you let it go. All the accusations, all the blame, all the fears and problems, all gone after a good nights sleep. But, I am a neurotypical, and sometimes that is not the best thing in our world. I don't just let things go and forget all about it...darn that somewhat connected brain. I wish I could just sleep everything away, and be able to handle my day and make better decisions the next day, but I want it resolved, not remembered. I feel like I am living alone, or living a life that will never cause a wave of fear, but that is impossible, because I don't put fear there. I know it's not entirely the disorder, it's many things. A new change is coming, I will be out of town; I am planning things that could cause a fall; but I am also embarking on a new mission to get some time with God, and that's where the enemy comes in. He knows our weaknesses and where to attack, and he uses the marriage when all else fails because it hurts the most. The sad thing is, I can't reach my husband when it happens, as much as I try, and then I get angry for my failed efforts and his ignorance. I talk to him, but I am really talking to the enemy. Get away from my husband. I think it would be best offered up in a prayer: "God, my husband is only holding on to fear right now, and he's in the grip of an anxious hand, please prey it opened with your loving strength, and sooth his soul and calm his mind, cover him with Your blood, the blood that covers all fears, all pain, all sadness, all anxiousness. Give him a protection from the enemy and shield him from the arrows of the evil one. God give him a fresh spirit fill him a new, and fill me a new as well. I ask these things in Jesus name".

I know I am not living by myself, even though it feels like it sometimes, I always have my God, and He has me.

No news is NOT good news

We have spent most of this summer driving to and from Seattle, and all for what?! No answers! I am so upset, and wondering why did we even try to fight this battle, or question anything when we are not any closer to receiving answers to help our son that we were before. No diagnosis. At least not yet. I sit in the neurologists office and he says based on what he sees (my son playing with the brother he's known all his life, his only unchanging thing) and doesn't see autism, but when he talks with me he thinks, maybe, and when he looks at the pattern of his development he says, yes. But all together he says, I don't know yet. So, we wait, yet again for a teacher to decide what he/she things. So frustrating! I am so tired, and so tired of people looking at me like there is nothing wrong and I have just made it up in my head. Then, we leave Seattle for the 4th time this month, and he has a meltdown, running in traffic, over a bee he THINKS he saw. No, there's nothing wrong at all. Come on! We proceed to go to his favorite food place (a phoo noodle one) and he freaks out because he found an onion!! One that fell out of his meatball, the ones he loves to eat, and all of the sudden his food in uneatable if there is such a word. Sure, he's completely acting like a 6 year old. What?!!? Don't even let me start into the fact that he had a full on meltdown at Fred Meyer for almost 10 minutes (we were getting meat cut, and very hungry so we waited) over being put in time out because of overreacting that there was nothing he could eat because it had wheat in it, then scraped his ankle which amplified his mouth and his tantrum. But, no worries, nothing to see here, it's just bad behavior, it's choices. All those things I am so tired of hearing, and I am just so tired that I don't even know if I have the fight in me to continue on this journey. Jesus is literally going to have to drag me the rest of the way. I don't give up on my son, no never, but people, I am giving up on you! Help me God to wait a little longer so that my son will have all he needs. Help me God. Help.

Little man's journey

On the eve of our little guy's diagnosis results I hold my breath. Was it worth it to come this far? Do I want to "label" my child or put him in a box? Will others look at us or him differently? I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want him to feel alone in his struggles, I don't want everyone to look at him as that "unbehaved child". I will educate them. People need to know that children are not in a box. They come in unique and beautiful colored packages, all sizes, and all different openings of the bow. I want to know how to open the bow, I want to see all that he is made up of. I want to see the gift he is, past the "label" and reach out to hold his hand on this journey ahead of us. It doesn't matter to me as much as what "it" is, it only matters to me how to help him.
I keep stealing a stare at him, just smiling to myself that he is such a wonderful little guy, and I wouldn't want him any different. Maybe that is my fear, that others will think that I see him differently. Honestly in this whole process I have. I have seen him differently, because I am starting to see him as he really is. He is full of life, he sees others that I don't see, he lights up a room and brings many to smiles. That is my boy, that is the boy God made. I see the struggles that he has as a blessing for who he is, he wouldn't be that way without them.
It's hard for me when everyone, the schools, the caretakers, the family friends, and even family won't accept that he is different, they only see what he does, and not what he needs. The put up a wall, and forget that there is a little boy behind it, just ready to climb it, if we let him.
I want to let him be himself, and the more I educate myself and others about the struggles that he does face, the more I can let go, and focus my approach to who he is...so he can grow.
It's been a long wait. He was only 5 months when I could see he would have a tough go of this world, but he's done so much more than had a tough go of it, he's left an impression on those who have known him, and he's only 6.
I am blessed and I am thankful and I am scared out of my mind, but I believe that God has led us to this place, and placed him in my care, and that role I take VERY seriously, and hold very dear.
So, here we go....on another part of our journey, his journey.

God's Mothering Heart

I have to admit, on one hand I really love Mother's Day, on the other hand I feel this immense pressure to do well by my kids. You see all these wonderful mother's on tv doing the perfect thing, having the perfect family, and the most well behaved kids, and I think, well I have certainly failed! Isn't that just what the enemy wants us to believe. Of course we aren't perfect, of course we mess up, but we aren't failures even if we have failed. We are good mothers. This week my boys came to me with eyes of excitement and anticipation. "Open it, open it!", they exclaimed, as they handed me their school-crafted mother's day gifts. I melt, even before I have opened it. I feel like the most important person of that day. I am showered with love, and the gifts are beautiful, but the creators even more so.
It made me think, this is what God wants for us. He wants us to see that He sees us as very important, and He wants us to be showered by His love, His gifts. They are all around us! He keeps saying, Open it! Are we too busy worried about what we are doing wrong that we miss the joy in opening what He has to offer us? Are we looking at ourselves and just seeing a big mess? A failure? Well, we all make mistakes, but we were beautifully hand crafted by the maker who has made His image in us. He is reflected in what we see around us, but also IN us. So, don't wait until you have everything perfectly put together before you receive the best gift there is. Open it!

The Rainbow...how I want my life to be

I was struck by an article I was reading by a local university describing the science behind a rainbow. Of course, this subject has my highest interest, so even though scientific articles are not often my greatest reading past times this one caught my eye. Part of the article reads: "When light goes through water droplets it is redirected at every surface. First it is bent at an angle, or "refracted" as it enters the front surface. Then it is reflected off the back surface of the droplet, by an effect known as internal reflection. It is refracted once more as it exits through the front surface towards the observer. The different colors each go through this process at slightly different angles so that the combination of angles creates a spectrum of colors. The overall effect is that the incoming light is reflected back and spread out over angles of 40^o to 42^o (less for saltwater) from the center of the anti-solar point." http://www.wwu.edu/skywise/a101_rainbows.html
So many amazing things that God teaches us through His creation, and once again, I am amazed. The use of light going through water shows a saturation, like us, when we are saturated in Christ, His light shines in us. It goes on to say that it is bent, sounds like bended knee to me, then it is refracted (entering in). Now, because of the saturation, so in our case spending time with God (in any way that fits your relationship with Him, we are all created differently and seek Him and hear Him differently) it emits out the color (showing Christ in our lives). I love the part of the different colors, it goes through all different processes. Isn't that the way with us!? Every situation that we go through is different, and it reflects or resonates in our hearts in different ways. Sometimes the way we expect Him to speak to us is not how we He speaks. But, if we hold on, we wait, and we saturate, His love will show through us, and others will see our rainbow, His colors.

Just a little chick

Lately, this scripture verse has been popping up in several diferent circles, and I have to wonder what significance it holds in my life and in others. Here it is:
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem . . . how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing. (Matt. 23:37)
But....you were not willing. Just think about it, God has so much to offer us, His comfort, His guidance, His wisdom. He is an all knowing, all powerful God....and yet, we were not willing.
Imagine this, a mother hen, gathering her chicks. She is providing a protection that the chicks don't even know about yet. This mother has seen others swallowed up by the "enemy", this mother has seen her siblings die from the invadors. She knows, and so when her little chicks want to leave her wings, she turns them around, she keeps them near her, she provides them a safe place to grow.
The interesting thing about this picture is that eventually, the chicks need to learn to do things on their own. But, knowing my mother instinct, I imagine the mother hen nearby keeping a close eye on her young hen to see how they fair in the world, and to come to their aide if need be.
God will give us times in our life where we need to step up (with Him right there next to us) and follow the calling of His lead. He will show us when to hold back, when to prepare for the invader (the enemy) and how to fight back, and He is always there to rescue us and hold us in our defeat, to pick us up and place us back under His wing so we can receive comfort again.
Are we one of those chicks that leaves the mother hen? Do we wonder far from our food source, out of the coop and into the wild because we think we can do this on our own? We can't folks, we are going to get eaten alive by the wolves that surround our world. If we need to venture out into dangerouse territories, and we will have adventures, and the hen's wing may even guide us there, we will not be alone. He is always with us.
I don't know about you, but I often try to face hard times on my own and do it on my own strength, but "If we wait upon the Lord, our strenth will be renewed, we will rise up like wings of eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint". So, my trust, and my strength HAS to come from the Lord, or I will fall, and I will be like a lost little chick, out from under the wing of the mother hen.

Rearview Mirror

Just the other day I was looking in my rearview mirror at my two boys (now 5 and 7) singing Christmas carols (to their own words) in the  middle of January mind you. Of course, they started in July, it's a year round thing. Something about that Jingle Bell song and all it's possibilities. I had to laugh at them, and I took a mental picture of how they look now. My oldests teethless grin, my youngest bobbing head. My heart melts for love for them. I looked back and I saw the first baby seat with my first born sleeping away as an infant, or playing with his car seat toys. My husband sees me sitting there trying to soothe him, or give him his bottle. I see a second seat with you youngest, and my almost 2 year old rubbing his head with love and singing him his ABC's. I see them crying because they are too tired, too hungry and beyond themselves, and my love overflows for them. I see "blankies" and pillow pets, travel toys and Gramma squished between two large car seats. I see them listening so well as we travel across the country to settle out west, and I see them far beyond reason fighting and crying at each other, and wishing that moment would end. I see them showing me their first art project, their craft from school, or their loose tooth. I see them seeing me for the first time and showing a sense of comfort knowing that I am right there if they need me. I see so much and so many memories that I hold the photos in my mind, ones I don't want to let go of.

I've often heard, don't look back, don't let the past keep you from moving on to the future, and I only partially agree with this statement. Sometimes we can be so stuck in the past, that we relive the pain of our memories and don't move on. We continue to regret, or "beat up" on ourselves, or we grieve the final outcome. I agree, we don't want to keep living there. We can move on into freedom, if we take the past, and allow God to tell us His truth in those situations, realizing that He was there and we is offering to take the pain, to heal the unforgiveness, to hold you and tell you that you were never alone and He is still right here. If we take the past and let Him enter there, we know we can take a step forward with courage. Time doesn't heal all wounds, only God heals them. So, yes, we do need to look back, but not to stay there, to learn from there. On the other hand it is so good to remember the good things, too look back on our lives (like I have been in my rearview mirror lately) and be thankful for the moments that we have had where God has shown His blessings.

So, whether you are looking in the rearview mirror at a painful memory, or one filled with laughter and love, remember, God is there and He is also lighting the way so you don't have to figure it out or know where you are going. He'll show you, and He is in the reflection.

God's icing on the cake

I love snow! I don't like driving in it, or being behind someone who is scared to death of the fluffy little flakes, but I love to watch as rains from the sky and powders the ground as it falls. It's one more way that God shows us He loves us. White beauty and turns the picture window into a framed winter wonderland. Just to watch it lightly stick on the trees and change them white is a wonder in itself. But, God didn't just intend us to watch from our window. He created it for an adventure. Doesn't that just show how He really is, He wants us to have fun and slide down the slopes, ski through the trees and we watch our breath float away like a cloud and see the blue sky as we swish by. Our God is an adventurous God, He has so much to offer us if we just take on the challenge, the risk of putting on our coat and leaving our view at the window. I also love how each snowflake pattern is unique to its own. It's how He makes everything, including us. We are all unique snowflakes. So, even if we can't move, or slide down the slopes, just to go outside and hold out our woolen mitten and catch a wonder, we can admire His craftsmanship. My kids can't wait to go outside when it snows. My oldest will automatically start a ball and roll it around the yard to the point where all you can see is half grass and a small snowman (shorter than the 8yr. old stature he is). They giggle with delight at the 1-2 inches that fall (in the Northwest it doesn't offen accumulate). I am sure God watches us admire what He has created and chuckles at our delight. Doesn't a father love to watch his children play? I believe our God does. I hope you play today, even if not out in the snow, simply inside your heart, and open your eyes to His wonderment, whatever it might be.

Another year? Or just another day.

Every year, we come to the same place and evaluate our lives. How is the scale, how is my diet, did I exercise enough this year, am I doing what I really want to be doing with my life? Why do we ask these questions? It's not that I am trying to be cynical, I am just wondering if it's really worth it to look at ourselves if we just notice we are falling short of what we expected the following January. I don't make resolutions, it's not that I am afraid I am not going to keep them, I know I am not going to keep them...unless I resolve that I will continue to eat chocolate! I do however evaluate my life and wait in wonder to what exciting new things will happen this year. Then I have to think, how am I going to get there? It's also a time of refection and prayer, where are you leading me God? Will I be taking on too much, or not enough? Am I being the woman that you've designed me to be, or am I just "doing". I have to look at all the things that I am involved in and really ask myself, am I continuing to serve the purpose, the passion that I had in the first place, or is my purpose here done? I realized that one group that I have been involved in, so dear to my heart, has completed it's purpose, and as I look into the new year I can see that the last year has been amazing, but my time is done. It makes me wonder, does God have another purpose for me in some other way, or does he want me to take this time to just rest. Of course, I know, and those who know me, knows well that I don't "rest" much. Resting might look like only being involved in 3 groups that serve different purposes in my life, instead of 4. Either way, it's good, even if it's just a new day, that happens to be in a new year, to ask yourself the question, does my life reflect the purpose and passion that I was created to carry out? I don't think it matters if I am skinnier or less active this year than the last, although being healthy feels great, and I attain to that...but my desire is for my heart to be healthy, and my focus to be in the greater story, not the everyday. So, do you want to go workout? Or do you want to go live out. It's up to you.....every day.