Why I hurt myself

God has taken me back...to a long time ago, that I wish I had forgotten about. A place where the pain was too much for me to bear, too much for me to hold in, and too much for me to even talk about. So, I hurt myself. I wasn't a cutter, so I thought it didn't matter. I would get so upset at myself and the pain others were causing me, that I was causing me, that the world's problems were causing me that I had to let it out. I didn't know there was any other way. So, I punched at the steel-backed wall, I pounded on the carpet covered concrete, I pulled at my hair till I let every last ounce of it was out of me, so I could be free again. Only....it didn't make me free, it only made me feel like something was wrong with me, I must not be of sound mind, how could I do that, why couldn't I control it....shame. Then, the pain I felt that I had inflicted on myself was a reminder that I hadn't handled the pain inside the right way, the proper way, the good way......guilt.
I remember the first time it happened to me. It might not have been the first time I did it, but it's the first time I remember. I was in the car with my Mom, and I might have been 13. I was listening to a program talk about children in Africa, their lives were hard, they had no food, things were bad. I thought to myself, this is awful! This is terrible! But, I can't do anything about it. The emotion became so fierce I had to let it out and I started screaming and punching the dashboard in front of me and pulling at my hair. My poor Mom did not know what to do for me. She tried consoling me while she was driving. We never spoke about it again. I made sure to try not to do it in front of anyone again. I would hide it, so no one would get hurt...except myself.
I didn't think it was self harm. Some of my friends talked about girls cutting or carving into their skin with razors, but I didn't like that. It scared me. I thought I was just angry, it was just anger. I didn't have a problem, well, maybe an angry problem. I only cut into my skin using an earring, but it was something I liked, it was for part of the club, it wasn't hurting anyone....except myself.
My pain grew worse when my dog died. I only had him a short while. I got him the Christmas after I turned 13 and I had him until the summer of the next year. Only 6 months. He was still just a puppy. I thought it was all my fault he died. I wasn't there to save him. I was miles away, on a summer vacation. I told myself, "I never should have left him, I never should have gone, I should have known better, how could I have been so stupid. You fool!!!" I let him down, and I grieve this now, but back then I didn't know the lies I told myself. I just punched, and screamed, and pulled and scratched until I didn't hurt anymore. I never forgave myself, and even nearly 30 years later I'm telling myself I need to forgive that little girl, little 13 year old me. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I forgive you. You gave him all the love he ever needed. You didn't let him down. You never let him down. I wish I knew that then.
At 15, my Dad's accident happened that nearly costed his life. He survived and still lives to this day! But, I was out having fun with friends when my mom heard the news. "I should have been there, I shouldn't have been having fun while my Dad was fighting for his life. I should have known something was wrong. What's wrong with me!!!!" The self harm became more frequent, and suicide attempts happened due to me taking a wrong path. I had to numb. I couldn't take the disappointment.
A few years later, things got a little better. I found my way back to God, and understood grace. He didn't look at all my shame, and filth, and brokenness. He only saw my beauty. I ran back into His arms and desperately needed Him. I came to some healing, and started to forgive people and myself. It was only the beginning of my healing, and a part of it stayed locked up...until now.
Jesus finally opened the lock when I felt safe enough to look at this part of my life. The shell of shame I held together worried someone would see it, has shattered and fallen into a million broken pieces and he is placing them back together, one by one and making something beautiful.
I'm still on this journey of healing, and I have a ways to go. My story continued, my self harm continued. But, I believe it's gone now. My heart is absorbing the brokenness and bringing new life, new blood, new hope into a new me, well, a me made new.



Do you have someone in your life who self harms? Here are some resources for you to understand what they are going through:
Why do people self harm?cookieOptions = {...};
My teen self harms, what should I do?cookieOptions = {...};
I'm a teacher, what if my student self harms (especially notice 6, 7, 8)cookieOptions = {...};

I'm self harming, how do I get help?cookieOptions = {...};


If you are struggling with self harm, talk to someone, you don't deserve to be hurt. Reach out to someone you trust to talk through your feelings, or see a counselor to work through the emotions you are feeling. You don't need to do this alone.

Gifts

Lately I have been talking with a group of ladies to discover our natural and spiritual gifts. It's been eye opening to me that the most monumental moment of my walk with God is the thread that ties my natural and spiritual gifts together. I started thinking about why God even gives us natural gifts if they are not our spiritual gifts used for the Kingdom, and yet are they not? They seem to overlap. For example, my husband has the gift of playing guitar, it was evident in his life long before he became a believer. But when he plays now (and has at our church for our entire relationship and before) he brings glory to God, and his talent, his gift is seen. But, is this his spritual gift? No, I don't believe so, and neither does he. His gift is in knowledge (he knows the Word of God inside and out and upside), teaching (he loves to talk about it, and the history related to it) and giving (when he sees a need and has the ability to meet that need he doesn't hesitate to give). So, why then would it be something woven into our existence. Could it be that because He loves us so much and knows us so well that He is doing it because we would love it?! How much are we the same as parents when a gift we have given shows pure delight in the eyes of our children when they enjoy it. Could it be that He just loves to see us delight in something He gives? Something to think about, and another way that my God wows me once again.

Living by myself

The hardest part about living with a man who has Aspergers is that everything he is feeling he thinks you are feeling too. It's not that they think you are experiencing the anxiety they are, they just think it will be fine if you let it go. All the accusations, all the blame, all the fears and problems, all gone after a good nights sleep. But, I am a neurotypical, and sometimes that is not the best thing in our world. I don't just let things go and forget all about it...darn that somewhat connected brain. I wish I could just sleep everything away, and be able to handle my day and make better decisions the next day, but I want it resolved, not remembered. I feel like I am living alone, or living a life that will never cause a wave of fear, but that is impossible, because I don't put fear there. I know it's not entirely the disorder, it's many things. A new change is coming, I will be out of town; I am planning things that could cause a fall; but I am also embarking on a new mission to get some time with God, and that's where the enemy comes in. He knows our weaknesses and where to attack, and he uses the marriage when all else fails because it hurts the most. The sad thing is, I can't reach my husband when it happens, as much as I try, and then I get angry for my failed efforts and his ignorance. I talk to him, but I am really talking to the enemy. Get away from my husband. I think it would be best offered up in a prayer: "God, my husband is only holding on to fear right now, and he's in the grip of an anxious hand, please prey it opened with your loving strength, and sooth his soul and calm his mind, cover him with Your blood, the blood that covers all fears, all pain, all sadness, all anxiousness. Give him a protection from the enemy and shield him from the arrows of the evil one. God give him a fresh spirit fill him a new, and fill me a new as well. I ask these things in Jesus name".

I know I am not living by myself, even though it feels like it sometimes, I always have my God, and He has me.

No news is NOT good news

We have spent most of this summer driving to and from Seattle, and all for what?! No answers! I am so upset, and wondering why did we even try to fight this battle, or question anything when we are not any closer to receiving answers to help our son that we were before. No diagnosis. At least not yet. I sit in the neurologists office and he says based on what he sees (my son playing with the brother he's known all his life, his only unchanging thing) and doesn't see autism, but when he talks with me he thinks, maybe, and when he looks at the pattern of his development he says, yes. But all together he says, I don't know yet. So, we wait, yet again for a teacher to decide what he/she things. So frustrating! I am so tired, and so tired of people looking at me like there is nothing wrong and I have just made it up in my head. Then, we leave Seattle for the 4th time this month, and he has a meltdown, running in traffic, over a bee he THINKS he saw. No, there's nothing wrong at all. Come on! We proceed to go to his favorite food place (a phoo noodle one) and he freaks out because he found an onion!! One that fell out of his meatball, the ones he loves to eat, and all of the sudden his food in uneatable if there is such a word. Sure, he's completely acting like a 6 year old. What?!!? Don't even let me start into the fact that he had a full on meltdown at Fred Meyer for almost 10 minutes (we were getting meat cut, and very hungry so we waited) over being put in time out because of overreacting that there was nothing he could eat because it had wheat in it, then scraped his ankle which amplified his mouth and his tantrum. But, no worries, nothing to see here, it's just bad behavior, it's choices. All those things I am so tired of hearing, and I am just so tired that I don't even know if I have the fight in me to continue on this journey. Jesus is literally going to have to drag me the rest of the way. I don't give up on my son, no never, but people, I am giving up on you! Help me God to wait a little longer so that my son will have all he needs. Help me God. Help.

Little man's journey

On the eve of our little guy's diagnosis results I hold my breath. Was it worth it to come this far? Do I want to "label" my child or put him in a box? Will others look at us or him differently? I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want him to feel alone in his struggles, I don't want everyone to look at him as that "unbehaved child". I will educate them. People need to know that children are not in a box. They come in unique and beautiful colored packages, all sizes, and all different openings of the bow. I want to know how to open the bow, I want to see all that he is made up of. I want to see the gift he is, past the "label" and reach out to hold his hand on this journey ahead of us. It doesn't matter to me as much as what "it" is, it only matters to me how to help him.
I keep stealing a stare at him, just smiling to myself that he is such a wonderful little guy, and I wouldn't want him any different. Maybe that is my fear, that others will think that I see him differently. Honestly in this whole process I have. I have seen him differently, because I am starting to see him as he really is. He is full of life, he sees others that I don't see, he lights up a room and brings many to smiles. That is my boy, that is the boy God made. I see the struggles that he has as a blessing for who he is, he wouldn't be that way without them.
It's hard for me when everyone, the schools, the caretakers, the family friends, and even family won't accept that he is different, they only see what he does, and not what he needs. The put up a wall, and forget that there is a little boy behind it, just ready to climb it, if we let him.
I want to let him be himself, and the more I educate myself and others about the struggles that he does face, the more I can let go, and focus my approach to who he is...so he can grow.
It's been a long wait. He was only 5 months when I could see he would have a tough go of this world, but he's done so much more than had a tough go of it, he's left an impression on those who have known him, and he's only 6.
I am blessed and I am thankful and I am scared out of my mind, but I believe that God has led us to this place, and placed him in my care, and that role I take VERY seriously, and hold very dear.
So, here we go....on another part of our journey, his journey.

God's Mothering Heart

I have to admit, on one hand I really love Mother's Day, on the other hand I feel this immense pressure to do well by my kids. You see all these wonderful mother's on tv doing the perfect thing, having the perfect family, and the most well behaved kids, and I think, well I have certainly failed! Isn't that just what the enemy wants us to believe. Of course we aren't perfect, of course we mess up, but we aren't failures even if we have failed. We are good mothers. This week my boys came to me with eyes of excitement and anticipation. "Open it, open it!", they exclaimed, as they handed me their school-crafted mother's day gifts. I melt, even before I have opened it. I feel like the most important person of that day. I am showered with love, and the gifts are beautiful, but the creators even more so.
It made me think, this is what God wants for us. He wants us to see that He sees us as very important, and He wants us to be showered by His love, His gifts. They are all around us! He keeps saying, Open it! Are we too busy worried about what we are doing wrong that we miss the joy in opening what He has to offer us? Are we looking at ourselves and just seeing a big mess? A failure? Well, we all make mistakes, but we were beautifully hand crafted by the maker who has made His image in us. He is reflected in what we see around us, but also IN us. So, don't wait until you have everything perfectly put together before you receive the best gift there is. Open it!

The Rainbow...how I want my life to be

I was struck by an article I was reading by a local university describing the science behind a rainbow. Of course, this subject has my highest interest, so even though scientific articles are not often my greatest reading past times this one caught my eye. Part of the article reads: "When light goes through water droplets it is redirected at every surface. First it is bent at an angle, or "refracted" as it enters the front surface. Then it is reflected off the back surface of the droplet, by an effect known as internal reflection. It is refracted once more as it exits through the front surface towards the observer. The different colors each go through this process at slightly different angles so that the combination of angles creates a spectrum of colors. The overall effect is that the incoming light is reflected back and spread out over angles of 40^o to 42^o (less for saltwater) from the center of the anti-solar point." http://www.wwu.edu/skywise/a101_rainbows.html
So many amazing things that God teaches us through His creation, and once again, I am amazed. The use of light going through water shows a saturation, like us, when we are saturated in Christ, His light shines in us. It goes on to say that it is bent, sounds like bended knee to me, then it is refracted (entering in). Now, because of the saturation, so in our case spending time with God (in any way that fits your relationship with Him, we are all created differently and seek Him and hear Him differently) it emits out the color (showing Christ in our lives). I love the part of the different colors, it goes through all different processes. Isn't that the way with us!? Every situation that we go through is different, and it reflects or resonates in our hearts in different ways. Sometimes the way we expect Him to speak to us is not how we He speaks. But, if we hold on, we wait, and we saturate, His love will show through us, and others will see our rainbow, His colors.

Just a little chick

Lately, this scripture verse has been popping up in several diferent circles, and I have to wonder what significance it holds in my life and in others. Here it is:
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem . . . how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing. (Matt. 23:37)
But....you were not willing. Just think about it, God has so much to offer us, His comfort, His guidance, His wisdom. He is an all knowing, all powerful God....and yet, we were not willing.
Imagine this, a mother hen, gathering her chicks. She is providing a protection that the chicks don't even know about yet. This mother has seen others swallowed up by the "enemy", this mother has seen her siblings die from the invadors. She knows, and so when her little chicks want to leave her wings, she turns them around, she keeps them near her, she provides them a safe place to grow.
The interesting thing about this picture is that eventually, the chicks need to learn to do things on their own. But, knowing my mother instinct, I imagine the mother hen nearby keeping a close eye on her young hen to see how they fair in the world, and to come to their aide if need be.
God will give us times in our life where we need to step up (with Him right there next to us) and follow the calling of His lead. He will show us when to hold back, when to prepare for the invader (the enemy) and how to fight back, and He is always there to rescue us and hold us in our defeat, to pick us up and place us back under His wing so we can receive comfort again.
Are we one of those chicks that leaves the mother hen? Do we wonder far from our food source, out of the coop and into the wild because we think we can do this on our own? We can't folks, we are going to get eaten alive by the wolves that surround our world. If we need to venture out into dangerouse territories, and we will have adventures, and the hen's wing may even guide us there, we will not be alone. He is always with us.
I don't know about you, but I often try to face hard times on my own and do it on my own strength, but "If we wait upon the Lord, our strenth will be renewed, we will rise up like wings of eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint". So, my trust, and my strength HAS to come from the Lord, or I will fall, and I will be like a lost little chick, out from under the wing of the mother hen.

Rearview Mirror

Just the other day I was looking in my rearview mirror at my two boys (now 5 and 7) singing Christmas carols (to their own words) in the  middle of January mind you. Of course, they started in July, it's a year round thing. Something about that Jingle Bell song and all it's possibilities. I had to laugh at them, and I took a mental picture of how they look now. My oldests teethless grin, my youngest bobbing head. My heart melts for love for them. I looked back and I saw the first baby seat with my first born sleeping away as an infant, or playing with his car seat toys. My husband sees me sitting there trying to soothe him, or give him his bottle. I see a second seat with you youngest, and my almost 2 year old rubbing his head with love and singing him his ABC's. I see them crying because they are too tired, too hungry and beyond themselves, and my love overflows for them. I see "blankies" and pillow pets, travel toys and Gramma squished between two large car seats. I see them listening so well as we travel across the country to settle out west, and I see them far beyond reason fighting and crying at each other, and wishing that moment would end. I see them showing me their first art project, their craft from school, or their loose tooth. I see them seeing me for the first time and showing a sense of comfort knowing that I am right there if they need me. I see so much and so many memories that I hold the photos in my mind, ones I don't want to let go of.

I've often heard, don't look back, don't let the past keep you from moving on to the future, and I only partially agree with this statement. Sometimes we can be so stuck in the past, that we relive the pain of our memories and don't move on. We continue to regret, or "beat up" on ourselves, or we grieve the final outcome. I agree, we don't want to keep living there. We can move on into freedom, if we take the past, and allow God to tell us His truth in those situations, realizing that He was there and we is offering to take the pain, to heal the unforgiveness, to hold you and tell you that you were never alone and He is still right here. If we take the past and let Him enter there, we know we can take a step forward with courage. Time doesn't heal all wounds, only God heals them. So, yes, we do need to look back, but not to stay there, to learn from there. On the other hand it is so good to remember the good things, too look back on our lives (like I have been in my rearview mirror lately) and be thankful for the moments that we have had where God has shown His blessings.

So, whether you are looking in the rearview mirror at a painful memory, or one filled with laughter and love, remember, God is there and He is also lighting the way so you don't have to figure it out or know where you are going. He'll show you, and He is in the reflection.

God's icing on the cake

I love snow! I don't like driving in it, or being behind someone who is scared to death of the fluffy little flakes, but I love to watch as rains from the sky and powders the ground as it falls. It's one more way that God shows us He loves us. White beauty and turns the picture window into a framed winter wonderland. Just to watch it lightly stick on the trees and change them white is a wonder in itself. But, God didn't just intend us to watch from our window. He created it for an adventure. Doesn't that just show how He really is, He wants us to have fun and slide down the slopes, ski through the trees and we watch our breath float away like a cloud and see the blue sky as we swish by. Our God is an adventurous God, He has so much to offer us if we just take on the challenge, the risk of putting on our coat and leaving our view at the window. I also love how each snowflake pattern is unique to its own. It's how He makes everything, including us. We are all unique snowflakes. So, even if we can't move, or slide down the slopes, just to go outside and hold out our woolen mitten and catch a wonder, we can admire His craftsmanship. My kids can't wait to go outside when it snows. My oldest will automatically start a ball and roll it around the yard to the point where all you can see is half grass and a small snowman (shorter than the 8yr. old stature he is). They giggle with delight at the 1-2 inches that fall (in the Northwest it doesn't offen accumulate). I am sure God watches us admire what He has created and chuckles at our delight. Doesn't a father love to watch his children play? I believe our God does. I hope you play today, even if not out in the snow, simply inside your heart, and open your eyes to His wonderment, whatever it might be.

Another year? Or just another day.

Every year, we come to the same place and evaluate our lives. How is the scale, how is my diet, did I exercise enough this year, am I doing what I really want to be doing with my life? Why do we ask these questions? It's not that I am trying to be cynical, I am just wondering if it's really worth it to look at ourselves if we just notice we are falling short of what we expected the following January. I don't make resolutions, it's not that I am afraid I am not going to keep them, I know I am not going to keep them...unless I resolve that I will continue to eat chocolate! I do however evaluate my life and wait in wonder to what exciting new things will happen this year. Then I have to think, how am I going to get there? It's also a time of refection and prayer, where are you leading me God? Will I be taking on too much, or not enough? Am I being the woman that you've designed me to be, or am I just "doing". I have to look at all the things that I am involved in and really ask myself, am I continuing to serve the purpose, the passion that I had in the first place, or is my purpose here done? I realized that one group that I have been involved in, so dear to my heart, has completed it's purpose, and as I look into the new year I can see that the last year has been amazing, but my time is done. It makes me wonder, does God have another purpose for me in some other way, or does he want me to take this time to just rest. Of course, I know, and those who know me, knows well that I don't "rest" much. Resting might look like only being involved in 3 groups that serve different purposes in my life, instead of 4. Either way, it's good, even if it's just a new day, that happens to be in a new year, to ask yourself the question, does my life reflect the purpose and passion that I was created to carry out? I don't think it matters if I am skinnier or less active this year than the last, although being healthy feels great, and I attain to that...but my desire is for my heart to be healthy, and my focus to be in the greater story, not the everyday. So, do you want to go workout? Or do you want to go live out. It's up to you.....every day.

Carefully laid out plans

Last week I just came back from a ladies conference that I spoke at with my friend Taffy, based on the book, "Captivating" by John and Stassi Eldridge. This book, and more importantly, the conference has changed the lives of many women across the globe. So, when Taffy asked me, "Do you want to help me lead a conference?" I had to stop in my tracks and ask myself, "Is God leading me here?" After a few weeks of prayer, God said yes, and I began a journey that would be worth the fight to see the end result. It was not an easy battle. You see, the enemy does not want women to be free from their wounds, and see a glimpse of how God truly see them, or even have the tools to fight off the lies of the enemy. So, me and Taffy were hit hard, by the lies ourself. "You can do this, you are too proud, you are not good enough, you don't know what you are talking about, they aren't going to like you, you aren't even a speaker, this is going to mess up your family, you might lose friends in doing this..." and on and on the lies went. But, we soldered on. God brought us again back to our own journeys, and showed us where we still needed to grow in our faith, and in our relationship. He loved on us, He reminded us of our true character, and how He created us. He healed more wounds, and He prepared us for the weekend that I will never forget. Taffy picked me up at 10am at the airport and we rushed back to her place to finish up loading our "essetials". But, little to our knowledge, she grabbed the wrong computer...with all the media we can carefully and prayerfully planned out. LORD! We need a computer fast! He delivered. As I prayed in each cabin room He started to reveal the hearts of the beautiful women that were soon to arrive. My heart broke, but I was amazed at how He was already preparing me to pray for them. It was a mad scrabble before the first meeting of that day, but by 3:30p Taffy started on her first message, The Heart of a Women. I could see some of the women resistant (I am sure fighting some of the lies we had in the coming weeks). I sensed a desire, so want more, that they were fed up of how things were, and fear of if God was really going to show up, and somewhat of a hopelessness. But, God was there, and all through the weekend He continued to show us, "I've got it". He had us, He had them, He carried us all. As the weekend unfolded, our "perfect plan" was changed, added too, switched around, to become God's perfectly laid out plan. The women opened up, they started to trust, they brought their pain and their tears and their fears to God, and I was overwhelmed by God's power and His blessings. I left that retreat not only in a state of utter amazement for the God of the universe, but also with 15 new strings of friends attached to my heart. As I was driven out to the airport by 2 of my new friends, I didn't want to leave. God brought us close together, and Taffy and I couldn't believe that He brought us through this journey to be blessed beyond our belief. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emYGrVrCv-g&feature=share&list=PLCA3DFA985FA05020

Are you ready to fight where you are called?

Joshua led the battle of Jericho. Now, if you are like me, growing up in the church, you will be humming that song before you even begin to read this. For those of you who did not, or maybe your church omitted this catchy tune, let me enlighten you. "Joshua let the battle of Jericho, Jericho, Jericho, Joshua let the battle of Jericho, and the walls came tumbling down!" There is so much in these passages, and I am finding myself more excited as I read on to the next chapter, even though I know how the story ends, or maybe because I do know how the story ends. I am facinated at the amount of redemption, even before they are ready to go out and fight. As I am have been preparing to speak at Captivating-I will not Be Moved conference, I have been asking God to lead me, in prayer, in decisions about the details, in guidance in the messages, and how to pray for the women who will be coming to open up their hearts to healing and a closer beautiful relationship to Him. Just yesterday I asked where I should be reading His word. I never know where to start, and I know His Word, but most often I know a paraphrase, or the scripture without the reference. So, this week I was happy to find God leading me to Joshua. His redemption is amazing. He blesses Joshua as the new leader, where the people will follow as they did Moses (even amidst their sin) He brings provision to the army, by providing them with a safe place in Rahab's place while they spy out the land, he gives them fresh produce from the land before He removes the mana. Rahab was given a second chance at life, and later in the scriptures she was called one who follows after God. She knew her redemption, and she turned her life around and praised the one who saved her. Often when I am facing a battle, I don't believe I am strong enough, but I forget that I don't have to be, because the one who gives me strength will also give me wings like an eagle to soar above the war zone. He will keep me safe, and He will armor me for anything that I have to face. I once heard from Beth Moore, a favorite author of mine, "If God isn't going to get you over this mountain, He's going to find you a way to get through it!" So, where are you packing your sticks of dynamite. If they are in God's hands, you have nothing to worry about.

My Gramma Pearl

I sit and reflect on my Grandmother of 92 years she sits in a hospital bed awaiting the decisions of her final days in this world, as many or as few as they may be. My grandmother has never been a "sitting" woman until these recent days. I look back on her bustling life, full of life and energy, spunk and laughter. She was a woman, who in her day was one of the few that decided to get an education and become a nurse, unlike some "lady-like" girls she played floor hockey, and married a handsome man in the the military. But, this is not the woman I grew up knowing, even though this was very much a part of her. She always had her hair neatly done, she loved cooking in the kitchen, and got her nails done every few weeks...like the other "ladies" did. But, my grandmother was more than this. I loved her passion in the kitchen. I remember many a day where she would be cooking a thanksgiving dinner and preparing as she called, the padadas (potatoes), and I would giggle and mock her until she said emphatically, "SPUDS!". But, she was always a good sport at being teased, even by her husband who would chase her around the house for a kiss. She would bat at him and tell him to act his age (no matter what that age was). But, all the while she was giggling with delight, because he loved her, and she loved it. We loved working along side her, especially us grandaughters, peeling apples for her famous apple pie that she still mastered up until just a few years ago when her sight was failing her and her legs were just too sore to stand. But, un until then she wouldn't sit. She would say, "Oh, I'm fine" when we would tell her we can clean up the kitchen. After all, she nearly prepared the dinner single handedly. I also admired her love for God, and for His word. She kept her "daily bread" box full of scriptures next to the breakfast table to read for the day. I loved reaching for the plastic bread container to pick the scripture for the day while looking out of their Singing Sands Rd. home out onto the ocean bay. Open Bibles, honey/peanut butter/jam container and oatmeal mornings sitting with my grandparents I felt full of love and sweetness. It was in my grandparents home that I learned to play the piano, the same one that sits in my living room today, where my boys are learning on their own, as I did. I used to watch my Grandmother play, while Grampa played on violin, and we sang along with the hymns that we grew to know as their favorites. Victory in Jesus! That was Gramma's favorites. She is so much more than just a lady, sitting now. She is a hand that has lead those to their own story with God, she was a light in the day of many who had no one and nothing as she sang to those who were not much older than her. She gave of her time and her hand knitting slippers and prayer shawls not just for her kids and grandkids, but for those in hospitals and those close to her heart. She loved huge, and her love will always remain in my heart, just as her gum remained in her purse. You could depend on it, it was always there.

Even though her life has slowed, her memories will continue and I hope to leave a smile on the many, like she has, touching lives, like she has, in the many years she continues to live.

The many gifts of love

Recently I pondered and struggled with the idea of reading the Bible. It's always been a struggle for me, as I have dyslexia. It was interesting to me when I shared with a group of ladies around me that struggled in the same area. Why do we feel the need to all be the same? Why is it that I compete to be the "better" Christian, when God has given me so much. I am different, and I love who I am, but I struggle with who I am not. When I think about it, it's hard to make sense of it. Do I really love who God created? Do I really love His gifts of music and dance that He has uniquely given me? I know I am not like other people, and God speaks to me in ways that others say they wish God would. But, I find myself thinking that I am not good enough, when really it not about how good I am, it's about who I am. I hear God through the trees, through the crackling fire, through dreams, through music, as He moves me into a dance with Him. These are His gifts to me. We all have different gifts. Some people have such a passion for reading God's word, and for those I know who are dear to me, that is how God speaks to them. But, would I trade His love and His whispers, would I trade His embrace in my dreams and my wonders? Not for a day, not for a chance to have what He hasn't given me...because He has given me everything I am.

The big move

Recently, I have been having dreams about moving. I am in a stranger's house, with my family. The owner isn't home, and I start to unpack my stuff. The house is for sale, and I want to give it a try it out before I move in. The only thing, is I didn't ask the owners, and my parents decide to join us. Needless to say, they weren't happy when they returned to find us practically moved in. The funny part is (in real life this would NOT have been funny) it happened 3 times before we evacuated. I left deflated. I knew I really wanted that house, but it just wasn't mine, and I was sure they wouldn't let us buy it then. Strange right?!? The next night, I was packing all sorts of things into my car, and trying to add a kitten in, and was quite concerned with where I would put the litter box. This one wasn't as confusing to me. I really want a cat, but in my already crowded life, it just doesn't fit. My husband and I have even talked about where the litter box should go, and we aren't sure. So, in my curiousity, I decided to google what my dreams meant. It ranged from needing change, to something in my life changing right now. I know that I am in a cycle of my life that isn't the best situation, but I haven't been battling it. I know I do want change, for my husband's business to take off, for us to have another baby, or for us to be foster respite parents, for me to have to opportunity to be more involved in women's ministry, for me to be able to visit my boys in their classrooms and volunteer. But, the real question I think I need to be asking is where is my hearts next big move...where is God calling me to be right now. It's not what I should do, its where I fit in, it's where He will chose to shine my glory. It's not my move, its His.

I do...all over again

I recently celebrated my 10 year anniversary by renewing my vows with my husband. It was a wonderful celebration, and it really meant a great deal for us. This in not only a milestone, this is the first time I have truely understood my vows, and been excited to share them with my husband in our "new found" love. Our marriage hasn't been easy...it's like any other marriage. You have your ups and downs, your power struggles, and your good years and not so good years. The last 3 years have been amazing...far beyond what we had ever imagined. You see, God got a hold of our hearts...He took a genuine interest in healing our wounds. He was waiting to free us, to heal us...to bring us closer together. It started by taking my husbands job away, then giving me a full time job to take care of most of the bills. This was a hard change for both of us...but God has provided. It gave us both a chance to reflect and look back at some of the hard times we've had in our lives...our heart wounds. We expressed this in our vows. Family life was difficult for my husband growing up and his Dad was never there for him. God waited for my husbands heart, and he gave it 20 years ago. God also became his Dad in these last few years. He showed him He is proud of him, He is there for him, He hears him. This has given tremendous healing for my husband, and he continues to grow in his heart and grow in love. I have received the benefits from this love. He stands up for me, he sees my beauty, he cares for my pain. He is learning he has what it takes. Working, when I wanted to be home with my kids, was a difficult transition. Here also, God had a plan. He brought me to a place where I remembered my heart wounds, the accident of my father, and the pain of struggling through school without his support and dealing with my dyslexia alone. God met me there. I realized I had believed all along, that I was alone in that time in my life...but God was right there waiting for me to reach out. I finally did, I finally trusted Him, and my husband benefited from this as well. I didn't expect so much from him...I was fully satified by my God. Every way that my husband had loved before I had missed...now I see it, and he sees how I love him...and we love each other all the more.

So, these vows we told in front of our family and friends meant much more than words. I married my man all over again, and I truely know that in my lover I have found my friend. I would do it all over again.

Two pockets full of peas

Well, gardening season is coming to an end, and I am still hoping for an indian summer. But, some of my plants just won't survive this early Fall. My tomatoes are still small and green with only a few turning orange, and only one of my corn stalks will produce corn...it seems. All in all, I should have planted earlier, but other "life" got in the way. Today I pulled out my peas as I noticed all the new flowers keep shrivelling up after they bloom. A sad thing to say the least, but I pick what's left and reach for the shears to take them down. As I am pulling I notice more and more peas that were waiting to be picked. Just sitting plump and ready to be eaten. Waiting to be chosen. There! All done. I proceed to pile them into a pile, along with all the string that held them to the sun.....and more peas. By this time I knew God was just showing off. Okay, God, I get it...You provide. Even when we feel like it's not going to happen, that God isn't going to come through, He has it all planned out. It's not over, and even amidst something that seems to have no life, He brings fruit...or vegetables...our way. At the end of my duty I had filled my two pockets so full of peas I couldn't bend over any more without crushing them. I walked bulledded into my home with thanks on my heart and a smile on my face.

So, when you feel that all is spent, and there's nothing left to find; check your pockets full of peas and enjoy all His surprises.

This little light?

As I watched the opening ceremonies of the olymics I found myself in awe of the flame, as were over hundreds of thousands in the stands in London and millions glued to their tv sets. Where and how will this flame ignite the others. One by one, each held the flame...the next generation...the great ones to come. Their flames grew from one to several, and kept spreading on to the one great flame and united them all. It was glorious. I couldn't help but think how we all have a light. I remember the song, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine", and even as I just watched my mother perform singing this amazing little song, she was so much brighter than the light she sang about. Her light, was far from little. She was glowing. We have so much to offer in our hearts. God gave us His light, if we chose Him, and are we shining. Are we spreading His light by being who He has seen is amazing in us? Just like the petals slowing emerged into the sky for the whole world to see, if we put our "little" lights together, and share the light, they will toss their embers to another, and another, and soon the whole world will see...what God already does.

Taking out the trash

I don't know about you, but I don't really like taking out the trash. It's smelly, and when the sun is out that garbage can is swarming with flies, and carries a foul odor. I was just having a talk with some friends about how we keep garbage in our lives. We make mistakes, we are human afterall, and it's hard sometimes to own up to them. But, what if we were to keep hiding the garbage in our homes, instead of getting rid of it. It would be pretty ugly, and there would be no place where we could go without having to deal with the smell. It would become  unliveable. It's the same in our lives, and in our hearts. If we are hiding the garbage of our hearts, our mistakes, then other areas of our life will start to "smell". There won't be any getting away from it. It would follow us everywhere we go. As we clean out the garbage in our lives, and own up to it, we will realize that without it, our lives are sweeter. God's sweet aroma will linger longer, and it will be a great place to be. If we walk around "stinky" we are only creating a smell around others...and they might start to stink too. If we walk around with God's aroma filling the air around us, not only will they smell the sweetness, they will see Him, and want the same fragrance lingering around them. So, what are you waiting for...take out the trash, and set out the bouquet on the table.